Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks

They wouldn’t keep coming if people didn’t respond/pay. Look at this nonsense. It is spoofed to look like admin@fedex.com. But even if you didn’t understand how that could be possible, the following email is blatantly suspicious. Or is it? Ignore the ludicrous idea that 2 million is awaiting you for no good reason. Ignore the horrible misspellings (although, we grant, not as horrible as we’ve seen in the past). Ignore the idea that the Fedex person can’t be responded to from the Fedex web site or contacted by the corporate office. Ignore the fact that you MUST contact them at “kimo.com” or an overseas number (the web site cannot even be reached). But can you ignore the following statement? We’ve never actually seen this line added in the past. It gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling.

“Note that the payment that is made on the Insurance, Premium & Clearance Certificates are to certify that the Bank Draft is not a Drug Affiliated Fund (DAF) neither is it funds to sponsor Terrorism in your country.”

Well, as long as you’re not giving us this money for drugs or terrorism, we’ll take it! You’ve quelled our fear. Where do we sign?

P.S. Please call and email this person(s) with plenty of useless information to waste their time. We’ve read about others who spend time actually stringing these people along, just to torture them, and love it! We’re busy creating portable roto-golems which sweep hardwood floors and ferment the remains into beer at this point or we’d join in.
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Dear Customer!

We have been waiting for you to contact us for your Confirmed Package that is registered with us for shipping to your residential location. We had thought that your sender gave you our contact details. It may interest you to know that a letter is also added to your package. However, we cannot quote its content to you via email for privacy reasons.

We understand that the content of your package itself is a Bank Draft worth of $2.100,000.00 USD, FedEx do not ship money in CASH or in CHEQUES but Bank Drafts are Shippable. The package is registered with us for mailing by your colleague, and your colleague explained that he is from the United States but he is here in Ghana for a three (3) months Surveying Project as he works with a consultant firm in Ghana West Africa We are sending you this email because your package is been registered on a Special Order and COD MODE is not operational.

What you have to do now, is to contact our Delivery Department for Immediate dispatch of your package to your residential address; you will have to pay the sum of $210USD to the FedEx Delivery Department being full payment for the Security Keeping Fee of the FedEx Company as stated in our privacy terms & condition page. Note that as soon as our Delivery Team confirm your information, it will take only one working day (24 hours) for your package to arrive it’s designated destination. For your information, the VAT & Shipping charges as well as Insurance fees have been paid for by your colleague before your package was registered. Note that the payment that is made on the Insurance, Premium & Clearance Certificates are to certify that the Bank Draft is not a Drug Affiliated Fund (DAF) neither is it funds to sponsor Terrorism in your country. This will help you avoid any form of query from the Monetary Authority of your country. Kindly, note that your colleague did not leave us with any further information. We

Kindly contact the delivery department (FedEx Delivery Post) with the details given below:

FedEx Online Delivery Post
Contact Person: DANIEL J. NICOLE
Email:fedex90902@kimo.com
Tel: +233-246413804

Kindly complete the below form and send it to the email address given above. This is mandatory to reconfirm your Postal address and telephone numbers.

FULL NAMES:
TELEPHONE:
MOBILE:
POSTAL ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:

Kindly complete the above form and summit it to the delivery manager on: fedex90902@kimo.com

As soon as your details are received, our delivery team will give you the necessary payment procedure so that you can effect the payment for the Security Keeping Fee. As soon as they confirm your payment receipt of $210USD, they will not hesitate to dispatch your package as well as the attached letter to your residence. It usually takes 24 hours being an overnight delivery service.

Note that we were not instructed to email you, but due to the high priority of your package we had to inform you as your sender did not leave us with his phone number because he stated that he just arrived Ghana and he hasn’t fixed his phone yet. We indeed personally sealed your Bank Draft and we found your email contact in the receiver’s column as the recipient of the foremost package.

Ensure to contact the delivery department with the email address given above and ensure to fill the above form as well to enable a successful reconfirmation.

Do not reply this email because this email account is not monitored. Send your details to fedex90902@kimo.com

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Jane Betty Blaire.
FedEx Team Management.
All rights reserved. © 1995-2011

A friend of ours (a.k.a. “White Gold”) directed us to this excellent poster. You should print it out and hang it on your wall. Study it closely, particularly you religious folk or those who believe Pi is rational. Despite these precautions, whoever makes first contact will doom the human species. The reason for our demise will be that two rednecks with a shotgun, a school of jellyfish, and a few ornery camels will act hastily.

Our time machine – see Automated Customer Service Will Be Destroyed – shows us the following will occur unless there is an intervention:

“Hey, Dale, what’s that there thing?” the skinny man in the camouflage asked, then belched loudly and farted. His beady eyes were set high on an enormous skull shaped like a basketball, its baldness offset by a wild beard. He took a swig of his Budweiser, the foam coating his red bristles, and pointed vaguely at the writhing mass of tentacles which was sliding towards them.

Dale’s belly hung over his faded jeans so far that if he had been pant-less, his genitals would have been safely hidden. A filthy umbilicus poked out from beneath a mat of curly black hair. He snorted, spit, and stopped leaning on the old Ford they’d brought out tonight. “Damned if I know. Ugly fucker, though.”

The pile of tentacles was perhaps fifteen feet tall and was covered with a purplish, gelatinous substance which gave off an incandescent light. It stopped twenty feet from them and waved its tentacles. Dale and basketball-head stared at it with disgust. It sat there, nonchalantly wriggling its tentacles. After twenty minutes, it began bouncing up and down, still not moving towards them or showing any sign of aggression.

The tentacle beast stopped bouncing and waved first one, then two, then three tentacles in the air. Rick pulled a fully automatic combat shotgun he’d stolen from his days as a Marine from the back of the truck. The creature now wiggled four, five, then six tentacles in the air, paused momentarily, and started again at one. Dale leveled the matte black firearm at it.

Basketball-head threw down his beer and screamed, “Shoot the fucker, Dale! Blow that bitch back to Eye-Rack!”

Dale’s bellow of “Yeeeee Haw!” was drowned out by the thunderous report of his shotgun, which blew off eight tentacles and sent glowing slime into the air. The creature made a noise like a deep sigh and tried to move backwards, feebly dragging itself by the stubs of its tentacles. Dale’s second shot blew the thing in half. The two humans whooped and slapped each other on the back. They drank beer and Old Crow around what was left of the mass of tentacles until they were quite drunk. They sang patriotic war songs interposed with “Hooah!”

Unbeknownst to them, a gigantic spaceship, floating far enough outside of Earth’s orbit to be undetectable to any human satellite, grimly watched the festivities. The avatar they’d sent had been crafted to resemble one of the millions of aquatic creatures they’d studied, one of many they had dispersed about the planet to make contact. By some clerical error which would no doubt end in demotion for the guilty party, the region’s marine avatar had been placed on land and the region’s land avatar had been placed deep in the ocean. Both had been met with swift and brutal violence. On land, two of the bipeds had fired a projectile weapon so crude Xrnlgr’mth had not at first recognized it as an implement of destruction. Exactly 345 leagues within the ocean, several thousand invertebrates had quickly descended on the biped they had accidentally submerged, sucking at the synthetic polymer meant to resemble flesh.

Further research would normally be required. One might hypothesize from the mistake that the two factions, the invertebrates and the bipeds, were at war. Had they sent the avatars to the correct locations, perhaps the response would have been entirely different. However, even the desert avatar with its yellowed teeth and large humped back, had not fared much better. Several of its kin had trampled and spit upon it within minutes. As the planet was classified in the holo-data as obscure at best and trivial at worst, Xrnlgr’mth did not think he would be demoted or – Universe forbid – rezzed if he streamlined the research.

He projected “Permanent Stage 1 – Violent – Unthinking – Irredeemable” to the holo-data, classifying the small planet as Tier 1, the slight better of space debris. This move would save him much work and his superiors would not notice the omission. After all, at best the inhabitants might be Stage 1.1, and based on their reactions, would not reach Stage 2 for millenia, if ever. He projected “Sanitize – Planet 2134.23.”

Below, Dale and Basketball-head were dancing about the tentacled creature’s remains, which by this point they’d tossed onto their newly made campfire. The gelatinous limbs cracked, popped, and blackened in the fire. The rednecks hollered and told lewd jokes and were quite pleased with themselves. The jellyfish in the ocean had suctioned themselves to the human avatar and were in the process of raising the one who had delivered the final sting as their new leader. They quivered with pleasure and excitement. The food would last for months. Four camels stood about the corpse of the desert avatar, coating it with their acrid urine.

At this moment time stopped for Earth’s inhabitants because it was vaporized. The planet simply ceased to exist. Well, that is not quite true. The matter of the Earth was superheated within a nanosecond, resulting in a mote of sand floating aimlessly about the galaxy. The benefit, though, was that Earth’s moon floated away, finally free, thanks to Dale, Basketball-head, a school of enthusiastic jellyfish, and several grumpy camels.

What We Are Doing About It:
Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks are working on eliminating the aggressive response in all species. With humans, this requires a large amount of modified THC. The added benzene ring does not allow one’s motivation to be affected, and is therefore palatable to all. Furthermore, we are educating others, with the help of this poster, on the proper means of responding to first contact. B.L. are currently developing methods for the other species.

The poster:

Observe as she lumbers forth, her bulk and determination giving the puny ball supernatural powers of annihilation. Watch as the tiny sphere, bolstered by her brobdingnagian stature, rains destruction upon the pins. Her wrath and blubber is that of legend! But why must she inflict such savagery upon defenseless wooden molds? Take a first look – admire her skill, sure, but empathize with the pins, who have done nothing to deserve a lumberhulk sprinting at them with unfathomable hulking velocity.

Enemy Lumberhulk

Now you have witnessed horrors comparable to nuclear fire. We here at Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks are vigilant, and such subversive transgressions do not evade our ever-watchful eyes. In the future, we will not allow these helpless creatures to suffer, in the name of “sport,” at the hands of enemy combatants.

Do not think us jealous. Never think that. Are we, too, attempting to rain holy fire upon the pins? Certainly not. But we do not, and cannot, use overt violence to destroy her. We must use beneficial chemical warfare. That is, we must surreptitiously plant tetrahydrocannabinol in her Bud Light bottle, thereby peaceably bringing her to the light, eliminating any foolish and unthinking aggression.

Watch her again, but cover your minors’ eyes, for they may be swayed by false dreams of heroic violence and conquest.

She Goes Again

Could you hear the cheers in the background? Hyena laughter. Nearly equivalent to the barbaric gladiator battles of ancient Rome or the bullfights of modern Spain. But never fear. We will bring her to our side. Do not think this a treatise on the supernatural, a call for faith, or evidence of weakness in the face of conflict. We kill when all else fails, but it is better to convert the enemy than destroy them.

What We are Doing About it:
Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks has a global initiative in place which will either subjugate, convert, or utterly destroy all enemy lumberhulks. If you attack the defenseless, we will retaliate. We are the protectors, and builders, of the future, and we will not tolerate such behavior.

If you are more than overweight, that is: obese, morbidly obese, or profoundly obese, you will be exterminated, for you will consume far too many resources in our future society. Exceptions can only be made for those who are irrevocably physically impaired and cannot lose weight. For more information, or to see if you qualify, you may see our guide on “Handicapped Stickers for the Non-Handicapped Fat Person.”