Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Woopie!

We are not conspiracy theorists, by any means, but that doesn’t mean we don’t understand the way the world turns. The U.S. has been at war for 10 years, seeking some unknown enemy. Did we retaliate by carpet bombing and/or spraying various countries with nuclear weapons after 9/11? No, we didn’t. We sent in millions of ground troops to fight a war we can’t win, killing thousands of blue-collar patriotic Americans. It’s very difficult to fight an enemy that doesn’t wear uniforms – we proved that to the British 200 years ago.

So how do we root out the infestation? We can’t. Regardless if one postulates that we brought this war on ourselves, we still have to address the fact that we are fighting an unknown enemy. Several of us flew on an American flight to Thailand recently, and there were 2 captains in the armed services on that flight. One was a captain in the National Guard. Yep, the National Guard, sworn to protect our homeland, was off to get stationed with a way point in Thailand. Don’t ask us why the “National Guard” is being deployed, unless you want to know that sentiment for foreign wars evidently doesn’t run so deeply in the red, white, and blue, or that we’re mismanaging our defenses.

He called the war “useless.” He said, “You know, we go in there, but every one of those guys has a brother, or a cousin, or a step-son, and when we get intel on a base, and then we go in there the next day, they’re all gone. They tell each other we’re coming and to just go hide in the caves for a couple weeks. When we attack they’re gone, and then we leave and they come back. We can’t tell them apart and we can’t actually hold anything because of that.”

We can’t tell them apart and we can’t actually hold anything. Well, that says it all, and it certainly isn’t some racial derogatory statement, it’s fact. No one is wearing a uniform, and unless they are firing weapons at you, you can’t tell they are the enemy.

Now this post isn’t a rant against the fine men and women who serve in our military. Fighting for some things is honorable. Whether or not any particular war is honorable is hard to say. We can imagine that fighting in Vietnam sounded honorable, until the fighters came home, were spit on, lost their legs, whatever, and 20 years later, we’re trading with the Vietnamese and eating their food all over the U.S. Same thing happened with the Japanese, the Russians, and the Germans. As far as we’re concerned, war might be perpetual, but it’s not for the freedom we claim it is. The days of war being lucrative or fighting for the homeland are over. The days of war being honorable are over. We’re not even sure what the hell we’re fighting for – Americans are now just “World Police,” and that is not a complimentary moniker. It is akin to be being the busybodies of the world.

The only thing we can think of is that it’s a great distraction from the fact that we don’t have health care or sincere leaders. That we ban smoking but we allow the constant influx of artery-clogging blubber in the form of McDonald’s and KFC. That we pump high fructose corn syrup into nearly every food, including bread, then sell Lipitor to lower cholesterol and Jenny Craig to lose weight. That we have billboards plaguing our every street.

Shit, we sound like flaming liberals. But we’re not. In fact, we believe Democrat/Republican…Liberal/Conservative to be a false dichotomy. There is no such thing. There is only a person and his choices, and those choices do not fall squarely in the black or white.

So get back to the original quote. Osama Bin Laden is dead. How bloody convenient. Do we remember that Old Bush trained them to fight against the Soviets when we believed them to be a threat? Do we remember, as Americans, that we keep killing then installing dictators in various countries to attempt to “stabilize” various nations? Remember Noriega? CIA punk until he disobeyed. When those assets become expendable, they get assassinated, disappear, discredited, etc. It’s blatantly obvious you can’t trust the government’s motives, and lunatics have been raving about this for decades, so this post is nothing new. We wouldn’t be surprised if this post ended up in NSA headquarters. Probably glanced over and judged as no threat (as it’s not, please don’t send us to the nameless prisons), but even we internally shudder a trifle thinking about it. Scary that we’d even be concerned.

But give us some credit as Americans. We know damn well we’ve been expending billions of dollars, BILLIONS, for the last ten years, and we don’t even have health care for kids dying of cancer. As the minority elders that be realize that the public is getting restless, even feisty, about this ongoing war, they have to chuck us some empty, gnawable carcass for us to feast upon.

And that carcass is Bin Laden. Ooh! We finally killed him! There was some purpose in this war! The end is near! We chopped off the head of the serpent!

Problem is, we didn’t need a ground war to do that. Hopefully Americans can see that. The U.S. government either had his remains preserved for the last ten years, ready to unveil it at the appropriate time, or it really is so incompetent that it let him walk after 9/11 and only now found him. Are we supposed to cheer? Are we supposed to further support this unwinnable war?

We’re all for supporting our country in times of distress or invasion. We’re all for fighting with and for honor. But fighting for the Machiavellian schemes of the government and then cheering about it, 10 years after thousands of our troops died in the sand for no good reason, with no clear enemy?

We don’t think so.

*”We” don’t all agree with this liberal rant. We know Americans have 150 IQs. Some of us are even happy our infinitely funded government found and killed Bin Laden, even if it took 10 years and more than 200 billion dollars of American taxpayer money.

Despite the wholly valid argument in our previous post, which you can read here, we have to say we can’t help but tip these people.

Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks still maintains that prior argument. To summarize, pizza conglomerates like Dominos, Pizza Hut, and Imos charge a delivery fee. Little of this, if any, goes to the driver. The driver, of course, expects a tip for a job well done and this falls to the consumer. However, why should the consumer pay for what should be an argument with the company, not the consumer. It doesn’t make the consumer cheap because he doesn’t want to pay twice. It would be like having a gratuity added to a restaurant bill, and then told that the server doesn’t get any of that gratuity, so it is your responsibility to tip. Ridiculous!

The above is an indisputably valid argument. We tried to stand by it and not tip the driver, but after doing this once, we felt terrible. Back to the $5 tips on regular orders delivered with expertise, followed by muttering and cursing once the door is closed.

Our inability to stiff the drivers is compassionate weakness and doesn’t make the argument any less valid. We continue to shoulder what should be the driver’s problem. Drivers need to say to their companies, “Hey, if you’re going to charge a delivery fee, it should be ours. Otherwise we’re getting stiffed on tips. If you won’t do that, then don’t charge one.” It is their responsibility, as it is any employee’s who is dissatisfied with the company, to take the issue up with management. If they don’t, it’s their bosses’ fault that they aren’t getting tipped, not the consumers’.

We still hold out hope that some more heartless individuals than us with continually stiff drivers because of the delivery fee. That will lead to driver organization, revolt, and possibly unionization. As a union, they can all strike unless they get a huge cut of the delivery fee or it is abolished. Then, the drivers and consumers will both be happy. To hell with the greedy conglomerate.

What’s interesting about this post is that we are good tippers. In a restaurant, if the bill is $32.50, we round up to $35 and tip $7. That seems excessive, but worth it. Besides whatever unknown force that is karma provides us, we have given our server adequate sustenance and a nod at a job well done. After all, they had to bring drinks, run to the kitchen, add sauces and garnish, and get yelled at by the cook. Everyone gets yelled at by the methamphetamine-fueled cook who, without question, calls himself a “chef,” although he never attended culinary school. That in itself is worth a 25% tip for these unfortunate souls.

But pizza delivery? Yes, all of us once delivered pizzas, and even envisioned spitting on the pizza when we’d arrive at a fairly well-to-do house where the tip would be the remainder of a dollar. So we know what’s it like to get screwed and loathe the consumer. But we worked for Pizza Hut, and in those days, there was no delivery charge.

Nowadays, there is at least a $2 delivery charge. What is this charge for? The pizza drivers claim it is for the convenience and that they receive none of it, and we believe them. They still deserve recompense. The forums for delivery drivers – yes, there are actually such forums, welcome to the Internet – claim the same, and advise that you tip the driver. The argument is that the company is taking that money for themselves and the driver deserves reward. And we have always followed that. Tipping $5 on a $15 delivery, etc. But why should we get involved in their struggles? Some social-liberal viewpoint?

The last time we received a pie it took nearly an hour and a half. We said to the driver, “Hey, we always tip you guys like 30%.” We were all slightly intoxicated, but we had a valid point. “We deserve some consideration!” we wailed.

“Unethical,” the wispy-bearded adolescent responded. We swear, that’s what he said. “It would be unethical to give preferential treatment based on tips.”

Reasonable, even applaudable. But irrational. The point of tips is to commend for good service. We’ve already paid for good service with an included gratuity, just like in restaurants. And if you wispy-bearded adolescents refuse to acknowledge that, we won’t tip you extra. Even for exemplary service. If you want more than the already added gratuity, there better be whistles, clowns, and blowjobs.

And yet, there really isn’t good service. Multiple times, oh yes, multiple times, drivers come without pens. Without pens! They give the credit slip without pens! And just now, faithful reader, just now, the delivery woman comes to the door with a $15 bill and we begin our well-planned monologue of why she doesn’t get a tip. We intend to examine the entire system but her weary eyes betray only resentment. During our explanation of why she deserves no tip and should take it up with her capitalist oppressors, rather than hurl everything upon the end user, she says, “Oh, I need change,” and walks to her car. We wait at least 2 minutes until she returns with the change.

The lesson, boys and girls? Be prepared. This is Boy Scout shit now. We now refuse to tip pizza delivery drivers, and fully expect the pizza to be delivered on time, with correct change abilities, pens, hot pizza with no spit, and gratitude. Problems with the fact that we don’t tip? Take it up with your capitalist masters.

We will no longer be the whipping children of this society. Work for a company who allows its drivers to be tipped or go elsewhere. We won’t take the silent berating of a warped system. Why should we, the consumers, be made to feel that we are the villains when the conglomerates are the ones demanding payment for terrible service? This gauntlet should not be hurled upon the witless consumer. We just want fresh pizza, delivered on time and with respect, much like a server.

Problems with this? Don’t work for the companies who refuse to pay you what you deserve. We, the consumers, are not the enemy here. Your delivery-charging bosses are the problem. Stop railing against us and boycott them.