Drawn by a professional artist, Ray Gerena, this one is my favorite. Click to see it in its full glory!
Observe as she lumbers forth, her bulk and determination giving the puny ball supernatural powers of annihilation. Watch as the tiny sphere, bolstered by her brobdingnagian stature, rains destruction upon the pins. Her wrath and blubber is that of legend! But why must she inflict such savagery upon defenseless wooden molds? Take a first look – admire her skill, sure, but empathize with the pins, who have done nothing to deserve a lumberhulk sprinting at them with unfathomable hulking velocity.
Now you have witnessed horrors comparable to nuclear fire. We here at Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks are vigilant, and such subversive transgressions do not evade our ever-watchful eyes. In the future, we will not allow these helpless creatures to suffer, in the name of “sport,” at the hands of enemy combatants.
Do not think us jealous. Never think that. Are we, too, attempting to rain holy fire upon the pins? Certainly not. But we do not, and cannot, use overt violence to destroy her. We must use beneficial chemical warfare. That is, we must surreptitiously plant tetrahydrocannabinol in her Bud Light bottle, thereby peaceably bringing her to the light, eliminating any foolish and unthinking aggression.
Watch her again, but cover your minors’ eyes, for they may be swayed by false dreams of heroic violence and conquest.
Could you hear the cheers in the background? Hyena laughter. Nearly equivalent to the barbaric gladiator battles of ancient Rome or the bullfights of modern Spain. But never fear. We will bring her to our side. Do not think this a treatise on the supernatural, a call for faith, or evidence of weakness in the face of conflict. We kill when all else fails, but it is better to convert the enemy than destroy them.
What We are Doing About it:
Brobdingnagian Lumberhulks has a global initiative in place which will either subjugate, convert, or utterly destroy all enemy lumberhulks. If you attack the defenseless, we will retaliate. We are the protectors, and builders, of the future, and we will not tolerate such behavior.
If you are more than overweight, that is: obese, morbidly obese, or profoundly obese, you will be exterminated, for you will consume far too many resources in our future society. Exceptions can only be made for those who are irrevocably physically impaired and cannot lose weight. For more information, or to see if you qualify, you may see our guide on “Handicapped Stickers for the Non-Handicapped Fat Person.”
So you wake up. Or you don’t. You look around, groggy. Bleary-eyed.
“Where the fuck is my cell?” you think.
You search your pockets. Not there. You search your coat pockets. Not there. You look on the floor. In cabinets. Under papers on your desk. In the cushions of your couch. In your freezer. Yes, in the freezer. Don’t deny you’ve looked in your freezer. We know you have, at one point, and if you haven’t, then shame on you. Searching for things can yield untold riches.
Just yesterday we found $40 in a suit jacket lying in the gutter. No one had worn it in years. This fact was obvious due to the dried bird droppings spattered on its lapel. Glory can be yours, oh treasure-hunter. But this isn’t about glory, or riches, or vindication. This is about finding your cell phone. Of course, it’s really not a cell phone at this point, it’s most likely a digital phone, but we won’t play semantic games, because you are only reading this to find your phone.
Here’s the best way that we’ve found.
Go to Where’s My Cellphone? and put in your number. Sure, we’re suspicious by nature. We don’t like putting our numbers into those ghastly text boxes, either. But go ahead and do it, and reap the rewards. Your cell will ring within a shake of a lamb’s tail, better known by physicists as 10 nanoseconds.
We’ve found it twice this way. If you don’t lose your cell, you’re one of the lucky ones, or you haven’t damaged your mammillary bodies. Either or, we’d say. Regardless, just think of it this way. If we would put our number into those halls of speculation, you can too. After all, if we ever receive a marketing call within 30 days from doing so, we’d make sure that admin paid the price. Save you the worry. Get us?
What We’re Doing About It: Nothing. This service is may very well be a sleeper lumberhulk attempting to help us. Finding cell phones in the new world will be of utmost importance, and this service a prime way to do so.
